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  • Writer's pictureStand-Up Comedy Historian

My First (and Only) Play: Cat O' Nine Tales

I wrote this musical play during the most creative time in my life: early adolescence. I'm pretty sure my younger sister Jill and I worked on this during 1996 when I was 14 and she was 10.


Jill and me last week—I have on my Rothaniel/Kate blue sweater and Welcome to the Internet knockoff shirt from Redbubble lol


So, yeah, this is very old and if one of my kids had written it today, I would probably take them to get psychiatric help because this references death and murder a LOT.


Anyway, enjoy our bizarre play about a security guard and an insane cat!


My old script, complete with appropriate stickers for a cat and guard haha


Some notes:

  • A lot of these songs and scenes were ripped off wholesale from my favorite musicals—I will note which ones in brackets so you can follow the train of thought.

  • This might resonate with elder millennials more than younger generations since we frequently reference items like Muzzy and Willy Wonka that were popular in the eighties and nineties.


Cat O' Nine Tales

A play inspired by Jess and Jill


Jess: This play is called Cat O' Nine Tales. Enjoy!

Introduce characters

(Go backstage.)


Scene 1


T.J.: Hello. Hello. I'm very glad to greet you. My name is T.J. the Cat.


Jon: Hello. Hello. I'm very glad to meet you. My name is Jon the Guard. I'm new here. I will be your personal guard.


T.J.: Nice to meet you, Poppin' Fresh. How is this merry day doing?


[Ed. note: Poppin' Fresh is the official name of the Pillsbury Doughboy.]



Jon: Oh. I see why you're in the cat mental hospital.


T.J.: Why is that, snicklepus? Do I frighten you?


[Ed. note: "snicklepus" is a play on the Hanna Barbera character Snagglepuss.]



Jon: No, not at all. I just wanted to meet you.


Jon: I JUST WANTED TO MEET YOU, I JUST WANTED TO GREET YOU. HELLO. HELLO. HELLO. HELLO. HOW DO YOU DO?
T.J.: HOW DO YOU DO?
Jon: I AM WELL.
T.J.: I AM TOO.
ADIOS, TWO MEDICINE DOSES, EVERYDAY, FOR TEN YEARS. LISTEN TO ME, WITH YOUR EARS, DON'T HAVE FEAR. I'M NOT STRANGED, I'M JUST DERANGED.
Jon: YOU'RE SCARIN' ME, YOU STUPID CAT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYIN' TO DO. ALL I KNOW IS THAT I DON'T LIKE YOU.

Scene 2


T.J.: Everybody's doin' a whole new dance now. Come on baby, do the hurdy-gurdy.


[Ed. note: This is a direct ripoff of "The Loco-Motion," the Motown staple by Little Eva that Kylie Minogue had covered in the '80s.]



Jon: Oh, Lordy. I'm getting out of here.

(Jess leaves.)


T.J.: Nicely done, hot dog bun! I'm really doin' good. I'm fat, I'm plump. I don't smell like I should...cuz I'm insane.


I'M SCARIN' THE WORLD, I'M SCARIN' THE WORLD.
NICE DAILY DOUBLES AND HOT WOOLEN BUBBLES TICKLING MY TOES.
FINE LITTLE NIPPIES KIND AS A FOU. I BET THAT I'M SCARING YOU.

[Ed. note: I adored Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory as a kid, particularly Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka and everything about bratty Veruca Salt. This is a ripoff of her song "I Want It Now" before she loses for being a bad egg.]



INTERMISSION


Scene 3


Jon: All right! All right! Come here. It's time to get your medicine. How much is your dosage?


T.J.: Adios, two medicine doses everyday for ten years.


Jon: Should I cut it in half, in two? Would you like that? Would it please you?


T.J.: YES. CUT IN HALF, CUT IN HALF, CUT IN HALF.
Jon: CUT IN HALF?
T.J.: CUT IN HALF. I DON'T NEED ALL THAT MEDICINE. I'LL PAY FOR IT IN SOVEREIGN.
Jon: ALL RIGHT, I'LL CUT IT IN HALF!

[Ed. note: Thank God for YouTube...I somehow was able to find the exact song from the Spanish language Muzzy educational video we had watched as kids: Llevénselo. I had NO idea that was what they were saying.]




T.J.: Yuck!


Jon: What's the matter with you?


T.J.: Jete tomlavay, monsieur. Jete tomlavay.


Jon: Jete tomlavay?


Scene 4


T.J.: JETE TOMLAVAY. I LOVE DOING ME JETE TOMLAVAYS, IN NIGHTS OR IN DAYS. I LOVE DOING JETE TOMLAVAYS. DO...NOT...YOU? bum, bum, bum.
Both: I LOVE JETE TOMLAVAY
Jon: JETE TOMLAVAY
T.J.: JETE TOMLAVAY
Both: I AM INSANELY IN LOVE WITH YOU.
T.J.: Insanely.

[Ed. note: First, the "Do...not...you" sort of staccato notes pattern is stolen from Willy Wonka again, specifically the way the Oompah Loompahs sing.



For "Jete Tomlavay," Jill was taking ballet at the time, and this is how we thought those ballet moves were spelled. Remember, this was the mid-nineties...the Internet was incredibly basic, and it was hard to search for specific terms in another language. Autocorrect also did not exist online yet.]



Jon: You are going COMPLETELY insane. I think I'll have to kill you.


Jon: I AM GOING TO KILL YOU, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU. YOU WILL DIE!
DIE, DIE, DIE. SOON YOU WILL BE DEAD. PULL YOUR STUPID HEART OUT. SHOOT YOU IN THE HEAD.
I HATE YOU, AND I WILL KI...ILL YOU!...BYE-BYE!

(They waltz and T.J. says "I love you." Jon slaps him and leaves.)


[Ed. note: While this highly disturbing song is a Jessica original, the waltzing was taken from the 1996 film Evita, specifically the scene with Madonna dancing with Antonio Banderas.]



Jon: Come here, T.J.!

(While offstage, Jon gets gun.)


T.J.: Coming, freshly newbywed.


Jon: BAHMM!!

(Jon shoots T.J.)


T.J.: MURRARRAH!!

(Death scene)


Curtain Call

(Reprise of "Jete Tomlavay")

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