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  • Writer's pictureStand-Up Comedy Historian

The Nine Rings of Sandra Lee's Inferno: Cool Kids' Cooking

“Move over, Mom and Dad. In the kitchen, kids rule!”

[Ed. note: This was originally written by me in 2007, so some phrasing might be dated. Enjoy reading one of my first pieces of comedic writing!]

So begins the terrifying journey into the pits of Hell that is Sandra Lee Semi-Homemade Cool Kids’ Cooking (note the bizarrely placed apostrophe…nice!).

I seriously cannot imagine someone purchasing this overly colorful cookbook for children, but God help them if they do. Sandra is condescending and patronizing on every single page.

Her “hip lingo” that the “cool kids” will apparently dig includes such gems as “awesomest” (way to encourage improper superlatives, Sandy!), “bodalicious,” “mad movie munchies” (does her nephew smoke a lot of weed or something?) “school the peeps” and “wazup” to name a few.

Apparently homework is “easier to swallow” when you have snacks, her PB Smoothie will go down “slooow good” and when you want something “wet and wicked” her Tropical Cooler is “chill” the one…why does her writing sound like really bad porn?

Wow…this truly is the depth of human stupidity. Come join me on my adventure thorough the alcohol-addled mind of a blonde bimbo disguised as a reputable chef, won’t you?

Oh…by the way, the entire book is illustrated with this bizarre cartoon of “adult” Sandra (oh please…maybe it was realistic when she was 15, but not her current 40-something self) who wears this lame necklace that says “Sandy.”

Also, the kids who surround her in the various depictions of food preparation that pepper the book are (of course) a wide assortment of races and hair colors who have come together to celebrate the joy of cooking via their culinary savior, Miss Sandy Lee! Thank God she came to show us the light, shout the young “We are the World” children.

Fun fact: If anyone ever saw the television show The Weekenders that used to be on Saturday mornings, you will recognize the eerie resemblance between characters like Tish and the girl who adorns the cover of this fantabulous cookbook.

Anyway, what I plan to do for the next few weeks is to go chapter by chapter through this horrifying collection of Sandy’s most inedible concoctions, as that’s the most I can stomach at one time.

There are nine chapters, so I will devote myself to reviewing a chapter a week so that the poor and huddled masses yearning to breathe free can partake vicariously in the mind-numbing idiocy of Sandra’s attempt to crack the tween cookbook market.

Hmm…nine chapters, nine rings of Hell in Dante’s Inferno. Coincidence?

For all of Sandy's Rings of Hell, please click here.


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