Sandra Lee’s Sixth Ring of Hell: Movie Munchies

CHAPTER 6: HERESY—FLAMING TOMBS

Happy 4/20 to those who partake!

As a special treat for the stoner holiday, I wanted to discuss what is quite possibly the most weed-related chapter of Sandra Lee’s cookbook for kids.

This time we’ll be checking out Movie Munchies (yes, that is her exact chapter title!), and we can see what tragic concoctions await. I guarantee that no matter how much you smoke today, none of these culinary catastrophes would satisfy your munchies.

Let’s dive in, shall we?

When my nephew, Austen, isn’t snowboarding a halfpipe or hitting a homerun, he hangs out at the movies. Or he fires up the DVD and brings the movies to him. A movie without munchies? LOL! It’s hard to top popcorn, but Austen’s Popcorn Nachos just might do it. Pizza Dogs make a quick flick food, so heat up the toppings before the credits begin. It’s all Mission Possible with a microwave. Next stop, nirvana, with you-do-it treats like Triple Chocolate Ice Cream Sandwiches and Funtastic Fruit Leather. For these hook-ups, forks are so not cool—they’ll fly right off the plate.

Where to begin with that incredible introduction. First of all, you’ve got to love the subtly hip lingo Sandy intersperses throughout. I especially like the use of LOL and “hook-ups”…although I don’t think the latter term is used in this way by the kids (hint: it’s a bit more sexual haha).

Anyway, let’s get into the recipes. This particular chapter includes only 7 items: Parmesan Popcorn & Pretzel Sticks, Popcorn Nachos, Triple Tostadas, Pizza Dogs, Stuffed Celery, Funtastic Fruit Leather, and Triple Chocolate Ice Cream Sandwiches.

Wow, Sandra Lee clearly struggled with what to include for movie munchies. While many of her earlier chapters have recipes that sound like they came from the mind of a stoned college student (Chili Chips, anyone?), the fact that the chapter with the term “Munchies” is so minimal is disheartening.

Oh well. As always, I will be taking a closer look at three heretical recipes to see how Sandy tries to make Semi-Homemade work for watching movies on the couch.

The first will be the likely soggy mess that is Popcorn Nachos. Now this sounds perfect for munchies, right?! Two classic movie staples in one? Yeah, I highly doubt it would be good considering the recipe combines popcorn with taco seasoning, shredded cheese, and mild salsa. Per the directions, the popcorn is spread out on a cookie sheet and covered with the seasoning and cheese then baked in the oven for a few minutes to melt the cheese.

Okay, so far this doesn’t sound delicious to me (too much seasoning), but it’s still edible. So how does Sandy screw it up? Five words: Top with salsa to serve.

Oof.

There it is. How could someone eat this with no forks (as we all remember, the hook-ups do not include cutlery)? I know it would fall apart instantly since the popcorn is a fragile base to start with. Might as well just make real nachos instead.

The second Movie Munchie that screams cinema eats is Stuffed Celery. Don’t you love chomping on vegetables while watching films? I know I do (she says sarcastically).

So let’s see what we’ve got here. I do remember enjoying peanut butter on celery sticks as a kid, so maybe this will be similar. Okay…the first ingredient is cream cheese. And not just any type—Philadelphia light cream cheese. If this is for children, supposedly, why are they getting low-fat versions? Are the kids watching their weight? I know child obesity is a thing, obviously, but if you are concerned about eating healthy and keeping your children healthy, Semi-Homemade is NOT the best choice here. Try fresh foods instead of packaged everything.

Okay, so it’s celery with cream cheese. Sounds disgusting, but sure. Let’s see what else…

Honey, chopped nut topping (huh?), and dried cranberries.

I don’t know what nuts that topping includes, but it has to be just as easy to get like peanuts or pecans and roast them in the oven for 10 minutes then chop them up yourself. I actually enjoy these additions on a salad (perfect on top of mixed greens imo) or in a baked good, but with celery? Ugh.

Again, what is wrong with peanut butter? She could even add some of her beloved “kewl” raisins on top.

And you know what? Add the cranberries too. I’m being generous here!

But yeah…the idea of cream cheese and celery makes my stomach turn.

Finally, let’s take a closer look at one of the most needlessly complex recipes in the entire cookbook: Funtastic Fruit Leather.

As a connoisseur of Fruit Roll-Ups and organic fruit leather, I know that the process of making these items far outweighs the results. Like marshmallows and soufflés, I will let the experts handle them and I will happily eat the finished products.

Anyway, this recipe has one single ingredient: frozen fruit that is thawed. Sandy doesn’t specify what type of fruit, but there is a note at the bottom of the recipe that says to add lemon juice if it’s a fruit that browns. Sandra wants you to know you can add sugar, but it’s optional, making this potentially the healthiest recipe in the entire cookbook.

So, the fruit is puréed and then poured onto a baking sheet and baked for SIX HOURS! Definitely one of the longest baking times in the cookbook. Is it worth it?

Hard to say. This could turn out okay, but a second tip at the end of the recipe does not inspire hope.

If fruit leather becomes too dry and brittle, crush it and sprinkle over cereal or yogurt or add it to cookie dough.

I have to imagine this is a pretty likely outcome if the editors insisted on a warning of what to do when it doesn’t produce the desired result. Either way, just get some fruit roll-ups from the store…some things are best left to the professionals.

And with that, we’ve reached the end of the heretical sixth chapter. Three hellish abominations that hurt the soul: ants on a log, fruit roll-ups, and nachos. Somehow, Sandy’s munchies work best to make you not want to eat at all.

My suggestion instead? Make some real nachos and buy some fruit leather. And stay far away from Aunt Sandy’s munchies…they will definitely harsh your buzz.

If you’d like to read the five previous chapters of this series, please click here.