Sandra Lee’s Seventh Ring of Hell: Sleepover Sensations

CHAPTER 7: VIOLENCE, MURDER, SUICIDE, BLASPHEMY, SODOMY, USURY—IMMERSED IN BOILING BLOOD RIVER; GNARLED THORN BUSHES; CHASED BY DOGS; FLAMING SAND

We have now entered the final third of Cool Kids’ Cooking, and things are really heating up.

This chapter is called Sleepover Sensations (and yes, Aunt Sandy appears to be pretending she’s a teenager again). Here’s the bodacious introduction:

It all started with my 13-year-old niece, Danielle. Danielle’s my blonde bombshell and always blows my heart away. She loves lots of things—surfer girl movies, snowboarding, Halloween—but food wasn’t one of them. At least not my food. When she was a little girl, Danielle would come to Aunt Sandy’s for sleepover weekends and refuse to eat. I’d make pizza. She’d want tacos. I’d make quesadillas. She’d say, “where are the pineapples?” So I took her to the store and let her pick out what she wanted. Soon we were making—and eating—Taco Pizza, Aloha Quesadillas, and other fab food like Fruit Wands and Cheesecake Sandwiches. Sleepovers became the greatest. Not to mention the food.

So, yeah. First of all, I am POSITIVE that Sandra considers herself to be a “blonde bombshell,” not her niece. To further prove my point, take a second look at the chapter drawing—two brunette girls and Sandy with her blonde hair.

Secondly, this introduction cracks me up every time I read it. The fact that someone doesn’t enjoy Sandra’s culinary catastrophes doesn’t mean anything is wrong with them. In fact, I would say young Danielle had common sense and good taste to know Sandy’s meals are mediocre at best and gag-worthy at worst.

Sadly, Danielle needed more store brand foods according to Sandy in order to eat during their sleepovers. The poor girl was this close to getting out of meals with Sandra Lee!

Anyway, this chapter features eight recipes: Taco Pizza, Potato Bombs, BBQ Chicken Pizza, Aloha Quesadillas, Cheese Fondue, Chocolate Fondue, Fruit Wands, and Cheesecake Sandwiches.

Doesn’t this sound EXACTLY like the food young girls like to have during sleepovers? Fondue and skewered fruit? I think Sandra Lee got this chapter mixed up with her one on snacks or something because these all seem like appetizers at a really crappy party.

Anyway, as always, I will be taking a closer look at three of these recipes.

Let’s go!

First up is the item that makes me want to retch: Aloha Quesadillas. Now, this is probably a me thing, but I despise pineapples. They just taste stringy to me, and the flavor makes me feel sick to my stomach. I can only eat the fruit if it’s mixed with a much better-tasting one—like strawberries—in a smoothie. I’m not a fan of stuff that’s labeled “Hawaiian” like this Freschetta pizza or upside-down cake or whatever.

But let’s see what Sandy actually puts in this dish before judging (again, I’m trying to be a more positive person than I was when I started writing this series in 2007).

Okay, the ingredients call for a can of pineapple chunks (ugh), flour tortillas, Canadian bacon slices, shredded Monterey Jack cheese, and cooking spray. Once again, all items have brand names associated with them EXCEPT for the bacon…interesting.

Seems pretty standard otherwise. Heat the assembled quesadillas in a pan and serve warm. Now, I would absolutely balk at being served this meal at a sleepover of all places but, sure, kids could like it. At least it’s not just tossed in the microwave…

Oops, spoke too soon. There ARE microwave instructions to nuke the quesadillas for 2-3 minutes and then serve. I get that little kids can’t do the whole pan-on-a-stove thing to make this recipe, but microwaving a quesadilla should be a felony. The whole point of the dish is to have a crispy tortilla with gooey cheese inside.

This sounds as gross as the chicken quesadilla Mick and Mimi prepare in the Magic Bullet infomercial: here’s a photo of the snack in all of its flaccid glory.

And Sandy even graced us with an image of her with a multi-colored lei and grass hula skirt showing off the “quesadilla” while two children dance in similar outfits wearing yellow sandals (?) in the background.

I’m frankly shocked that she didn’t bust out a coconut shell bra for this one. That draft probably got nixed when someone remembered it’s a cookbook for kids.

Anyway, one down, two more to go!

The next recipe is Fruit Wands. Remember how I said I hate pineapple? Guess what’s back, baby!

So this is not so much a recipe as it is how to assemble fruit skewers. I guess Sandy saw an Edible Arrangements bouquet and thought she could do that the Semi-Homemade way!

No, no she could not. This version has fruit and skewers, yes, but no cute flowers or cutouts at all.

Instead, we get quickly browning banana and apple chunks with assorted fruit out of a container. Yum.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s look at our ingredients: fat-free vanilla yogurt, honey, 1 apple, 2 bananas, a container of fruit (such as pineapple, cantaloupe, melon, watermelon), and a cantaloupe.

Does Sandra know that cantaloupe and watermelon ARE melons? Or was that the editor’s way of getting around specifying honeydew (another fruit I hate for these reasons spelled out perfectly in BoJack Horseman)? So strange.

And again, what is with fat-free yogurt for growing kids? Who wants to eat that? Just buy some Greek yogurt, seriously.

So, like I said, the majority of this “recipe” is how to skewer fruit. The only part that is remotely cooking-related is adding honey to the yogurt. That is a very basic and minimal aspect to declare this to be a recipe perfect for sleepovers.

Essentially, the kids cut up a banana (how this won’t be mushy on a skewer is beyond me) and then slide chunks of fruit on the skewers. There’s also the option to scoop out a cantaloupe and pour the dipping sauce into it, but this seems so badly thought out to me. Why go this extra step when you can just put the sauce in a ramekin or something? It’s completely unnecessary and seems like it’s just there to pad out the recipe directions. Also, calling yogurt mixed with honey a “dipping sauce” is a bit much.

So, our last recipe is one that makes my husband fume: Cheesecake Sandwiches. Now, cheesecake is his favorite dessert ever (and yes, he is a member of the Cheesecake Factory and gets his obligatory slice on his birthday each January). Jeff is a connoisseur when it comes to quality cheesecake, and he was disgusted when I told him what Sandra Lee thinks makes a cheesecake.

So, let’s take a look at these ingredients, just three this time around: graham crackers, strawberry-flavored cream cheese, and strawberry preserves.

The first thing I noticed about this list—and am thankful for— is that Philadelphia Cream Cheese did not give their blessing to Sandy, so she has to use Kraft instead. I’m a Philly girl at heart, and I would definitely be disheartened to see our cream cheese pairing up with Sandra.

The second thing of note? This is nothing like cheesecake or sandwiches. I do not call a s’more a “chocolate-marshmallow sandwich,” so using Graham crackers doesn’t make something a sandwich in my book.

To paraphrase the great Linda Richman, “Sandra Lee’s Cheesecake Sandwiches are neither cheesecake nor sandwiches. Discuss!”

If you had asked me what I thought she meant by the recipe title, I would’ve assumed it was cream cheese and jelly sandwiches on white bread, even though that hardly qualifies as a cheesecake either. Think of the sandwiches falling from the sky in Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs (one of my favorite books as a kid).

But no, Sandy think cream cheese spread on a cracker equals a cheesecake. So, that’s ridiculous.

Another issue is that, once again, this is an assembly recipe. There is not one fresh ingredient used, and it’s all packaged products. Usually she tosses in something to justify the “homemade” part of her brand. Maybe some fresh strawberries would work?

Either way, this is not a cheesecake, and I’m pretty sure a child could have come up with the entire recipe. It’s incredibly basic, and the drawing included makes the Graham crackers look huge for some reason and more like waffles than crackers. A disappointment all around and definitely NOT cheesecake per Jeff.

Well, that’s it for Sandra Lee’s Sleepover Sensations. I know I don’t want to have a slumber party at her house any time soon!

For the first six rings of hell, please click here.